My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
