I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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