Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
