Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
