the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
