she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
