I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
