i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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