I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I will be naked everywhere
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
