from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
