4 words: hood of his car
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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