captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
