I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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