i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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