and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
