Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I pour the whiskey from now on
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