Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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