i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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