I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize