so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
