Dual....:-)
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
