Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
