RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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