Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
