so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
