My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
