I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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