Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
