At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
