i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize