She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
