I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize