I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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