im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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