Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
