he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Randomize
