There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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