so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
