she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
