OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
