Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
