the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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