plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
