ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
