I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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