I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
