Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
