your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
