We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
