woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
