Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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