can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
