Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
