She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
