Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
